5 Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers:

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.

A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.

Anniversary Ideas For Everyone

Are you about to celebrate a special anniversary with the one you love? Whether you have been together one year or fifty years it is important to celebrate the day in a special and memorable way. Sometimes, as much as you want to bless the one you love in a unique way, it is hard to come up with great anniversary ideas. One of the best ways to think of ideas can be to take a look back through the years of your relationship.

You will be surprised by how many perfect annivesary ideas you come up with simply by remembering special parts about the earliest parts of your time together. For instance, can you remember back to the first date the two of you shared? If so, try to recreate the date over again as a way of celebrating how far you’ve come. If you are still in the same city this kind of anniversary idea will be much easier to pull off.

Do you remember the first song the two of you danced to or the first film you saw together? Great anniversary ideas are sometimes as simple as renting that first film again or tracking down that old love song and dancing to it again. You will bless and probably surprise your special someone by your planning and the creativity you put into making great anniversary ideas happen.

Brainstorming other anniversary ideas can be easy when you simply think about the things that you and the one you love enjoy doing together. Consider planning a getaway weekend to an area that you have both wanted to visit. Or take your special someone on the cruise they have always wanted to go on. Be extravagant and do everything you can afford to make sure your anniversary is special. Do you love to hike and spend time in the mountains? Perhaps the best anniversary ideas for you would include a camping trip or renting out a cabin in the mountains that you love. Look for ways to incorporate things you already love to do together.

Celebrating anniversaries can be one of the best ways to keep the spark alive in your relationship. When you remember where you have been and all of the hard times that you have gotten through together it will be easy to celebrate a variety of anniversary ideas that come to your head. And perhaps the most important thing to remember as you try to gather and narrow down anniversary ideas is that in the end all that will matter is that you and the one you love get to spend quality
time together.

Are You Attracted To The Wrong Sort Of Man?

How often have you said to a your friends, ”I always seem to pick guys who are bad for me.”

According to Hypnotherapy specialist Roderick Piggott, women who experience a series of broken and unequal relationships, are often suffering from issues of low self-esteem and poor self-image. This causes them to choose the wrong partners again and again.

Low self-esteem can really impact negatively on a persons quality of life, making them feel that they don’t deserve love and respect and are not fit to enjoy a proper, fulfilling relationship. Motivation levels can sink, leaving them feeling low and robbing them of any enthusiasm.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, you blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault; you underestimate your abilities, and you expect things to go wrong for you. Often, low self-esteem is associated with a range of other problems, such as lack of confidence, depression, anxiety, stress and jealousy. If you feel that your opinions and thoughts are worthless, you will find yourself unable to connect or communicate effectively with others, which can become a real issue. This can be picked up by partners, leading to a shift in the balance of a relationship, turning it into something that is unequal and disadvantageous to the weaker partner. Frequently this leads to an abusive relationship and often the cycle is repeated many times.

It simply may not be the “wrong” man that you choose, it is very probable that a partner will become frustrated and lose respect. Attitudes then change taking the relationship off course.

There are many things that might happen in life that can cause low self-esteem. It could be a traumatic childhood, maybe a respected figure in your life belittled you, perhaps failure at a career or at school, or even a lack of social life or friends. Whatever the causes, it is important to try and get your life back on track and get over these feelings of worthlessness for the sake of yourself and those around you. These negative emotions can reflect in everything you do and say, and can start to affect your whole life.

Women who realize that they need self-esteem help are often too embarrassed to admit to anyone that they have a problem, however many sufferers of low self-esteem are benefiting from hypnotherapy treatments at home, which can literally change peoples lives for the better.

Even though you may want to change the way you feel, to be confident in your thoughts and ideas, to have a sense of faith in your own abilities and know consciously that you are worthwhile and respected, your emotional subconscious mind knows different. Your mind goes back to your deepest insecurities, together with the emotions that are held alongside those memories. Your beliefs are accessed. Your conscious and subconscious mind is in conflict. The subconscious mind wins, every time because your emotions rule. You can change your beliefs by changing your emotions. Hypnosis can do this. And it is easy.

Hypnotherapy treatments work in a very natural way, People are constantly capable of change, which can happen more powerfully in an altered state. In this altered state, which we call hypnosis, suggestions to the sub-conscious mind can supply us with the feelings and emotions that go with imagination and creativity to bring about changes within your feeling system, your emotional system, and this can change your values, perceptions and beliefs. It’s what makes hypnosis an incredibly powerful means to achieve your dreams.

Your subconscious mind has the power to end your struggle with your low self-esteem. Your life will improve if you begin to believe in yourself and your abilities, you will feel respected, giving you that extra boost to increase motivation, and your enthusiasm will increase noticeably. Some people say it feels like magic because it is so easy to make powerful changes. Hypnotherapy simply allows you to access the resources you already have in your subconscious mind.

5 Tips To Make Her Respect You

Respect is one of the basic human values. As it applies to people, is defined as an attitude of admiration or esteem for a person. This feeling is generally a result of a person’s achievements. While all people deserve respect, not many of they receive this.

Everyone wants to be respected by others but not all of them get it. It’s important to first define who a respectable person is before giving respect to him.

First of all you have to keep in mind that in order to demand respect, you will have to treat others with equal amount of respect.

‘Respect’ is just a word, but what it means and what it distinguishes for us can make all the difference in how we observe ourselves and others — as well as how we relate to future possibilities and choices.

Many successful relationships have been built around different political or religious believes, but it all boils down to respect. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal, that the power and control in the relationship are equally share. In a relationship, respect means to listening each other, valuing each other’s
opinions, and also understanding the other’s emotions.

If you want to make you respectable by your girlfriend, here are some helpful tips which may use.

1. First of all it is very important to have self respect. Treat yourself with respect. If she sees that you don’t have any respect for yourself she might consider that she doesn’t have to show you either, because it is not important to you at all.

2. What you give is what you take. Show respect if you want to be respectable. Everyone wants to be admired and appreciated. If you show your girlfriend that she is important to you, you’ll be easily in their good graces. Be attentive, give compliments, and make her feel comfortable with you and content. Simply admire the person you are with and listen carefully when she talks. So, she’ll love to spend time with you.

3. Relax. Women think men are mediocre because they have a boring personality. So, when you have a date with her relax and have fun so she will feel great with you, because if she finds you boring you may get dumped. If you make her feel good she will respect you for the funny guy you are, being the person who can make her smile even when she is very sad.

4. Don’t lie. We all now that women don’t like to be lied to. If she had caught you with a lie she will definitely not have any more respect for you. But, if she sees that you are sincere to her all the time, she will be proud of you and will show more and more respect for you.

5. Be confident and polite. Look into her eyes when she talks to you and make her feel that you are a person who can trust in. Show her that she can talk with you about any subject or problem she has and can count on your help. Don’t forget to be polite, this will bring a reciprocal respect.

When you are in a relationship you must be treated with respect, which means your girlfriend must act like this:

- lets you feel comfortable being yourself

- is able to admit when she is wrong

- is willing to compromise

- respects your opinions, feelings and friends

- tries to resolve conflicts by talking honesty

- accepts when you’re saying no at things you don’t want to do

So, take a deep look at your relationship and watch out if your girlfriend is making all this things for you and if not you should try this tips to make her respect you.

Are You Made For Each other

The couple was walking on the sidewalk. They looked to be totally absorbed with each other. They were not speaking to each other, but a glance at them could tell that they were in deep love and were made for each other. What is this mystical quality of being made for each other? What qualities does this kind of relationship have? Are all the choices same? Or as we say in science, opposites attract. So the choices are totally different? Will a couple having different choices in every aspect love each other or fight over the choices? We can say that at least most of the choices should be very common. If I say that my partner and I are made for each other, what I must mean is this – he/she is the right person for me. There is no other person in the world other than him/her who can make a better couple with me. We are happiest being together and our happiness comes from our relationship.

Are choices the only factor that matter in our life? Is it enough if my eating habits, my dressing choices, my color preferences, my weather preferences and all my other likings are same as my partner, we are made for each other? Is that all to the relationship supposed to be made for each other? There must be something more? What can be that? Let us find out.

Love for each other, a deep longing for others body, heart and words and a feeling of deep satisfaction that is derived when the couple is together. The couple has only one desire- to share everything, every thought, and every emotion. The main goal in life – make and keep the partner happy and feel happy in his/her happiness. Whenever we look at a mother with her child, we never say that they are made for each other, but they share a bond that is very deep. If a couple can somehow share that kind of bond, it can be called ‘made for each other.’