I have realized that to have good management of relationships, we need to be assertive and honest in sharing our thoughts, feelings and concerns. However, this needs to be done in a way that does not provoke the other party, but is instead respectful and encourages both parties to listen to each other. A good way to do this is through the communication technique of “I” Messages.

In “I” messages, statements are made about ourselves, how we feel and our concerns, and what actions of the other party has led to the concerns. “You” messages focus on the other person and would usually lead the other party to become defensive unless the “You” message is a positive statement of the other person. For example, a husband or wife is waiting for the return of the spouse and when the spouse returns, he or she might be greeted by this: “You are always coming home late! Why can’t you come back earlier?” This “You” message leads to the spouse feeling blamed and attacked and the ensuing communication would likely not be an amiable one. In a conflicting situation, “You” message focuses on attacking the other person. As a result, the primary issues are pushed aside. In contrast, in this same scenario, an “I” message would look like this: “I feel rather lonely while waiting for you to come home. I’m concerned that you are often home late and I get rather frustrated wondering when you’re going to be home.” In this statement therefore, the speaker shares his or her feelings and concerns. The clear communication of the concern is a good starting point for both parties to work out what can be done about it.

“I” messages are effective because the focus is on the issue or concern and not on the other person. The sharing of the speaker’s feelings can also lead to more trust in the relationship as it shows the speaker is willing to look within himself or herself and take responsibility for his or her feelings.

In fact, generally in most interactions, my opinion is that the use of “I” messages is always superior to “You” messages and is a more respectful way of communicating. So, even when expressing positive feelings, a “You” message: “You look good in this dress”, could be enhanced by “I” messages: “I’m so happy to see you. I remember all the fun we used to have. You look good.”

Generally, there are three parts to an “I” message:

I feel _________________ (express your feeling)
when you _____________ (describe the action that affects you or relates to the feeling)
because _______________ (explain how the action affects you or relates to the feeling)

The order in which the 3 parts are expressed is usually not important.
Sometimes a fourth part might be added. This states our preference for what we would like to take place instead.

Examples of more “I” messages:

“I get very anxious when you raise your voice at me because it makes me feel like I’ve done something very wrong. Could you please not raise your voice when we talk?”

“I’m so happy you’re learning to cook because then I’ll know you can prepare your own meal when I’m unable to be home in time to cook.”

“When you take so long talking to your friend on the phone, I’m concerned that there might be urgent calls that cannot come through. Also, I feel frustrated as I would like to spend more time with you. How about asking your friend to call at another time, when I am not around.”

Use of “I” messages might not come naturally to most people initially. However, with practice, you will be surprised at how you will begin to like this communication approach, especially when you begin to experience the good result of better quality interactions and more harmonious relationships.

Reference:

1. http://www.succezz.com/S2/ForbiddenPsychologicalTactics.html
2. http://www.succezz.com/happy1.html
3. http://www.jacobgan.com/MotivateYourWayToSuccess.html

“I’ve a nice car. I’m accomplished. My A-List CV make the next guy look funky. I even wear the latest Armani! Why doesn’t she flip for me? Why am I always alone??”

STOP!

How many times did you pound the dashboard of your Corvette bewailing this persistent question?

The avenue to Romance is littered with roadkill hearts and unrequited love.If you think you’re unique in your loneliness, think again. There is enough dashboard pounding out there to start a global orchestra of dire distress.

But don’t despair. Before you spin out of control, deploy the airbags fast. These strategic maneuvers should cruise you back on track:

1) Dress to Kill – all the time: No I don’t intend that you wear $5000 suits to the grocers or the Rolex to walk the dog. What I want you to do is is to dress decently each time you hit the streets. Dab on some cologne. Be neatly shaven. Gentlemen, women are everywhere. If you dress with flash only at the bar or the party, you’re missing out on 95% of eligible women. Some of the best relationships were forged during chance encounters at the bus stop.

2) Bedroom Eyes – When exploring new relationships with that sexy stranger, intensify the eye contact. Lock deep into her pupils. Let the rest of the world disappear even as a horde of supermodels troop by. You will naturally thrill her with the attention as she experiences the tendrils of growing attraction. Ethnologists have a term for it, the copulatory gaze. Get your eyes even sexier by enlargening your pupils; Dr. Hess concluded that dilated pupils are far far more attractive to women. How does one get the pupils popping? Simply gaze at the most alluring parts of a woman’s face and fill your mind with loving caring thoughts. Your pupils naturally grow, endowing you with irresistible eyes.

3) Visual Caress – Get your eyes to do some facial travelling as you chat. Linger a bit on the nose, traipse across those lashes and rest upon the lips. Drink in her facial features as though you were admiring the Mona Lisa. She will delight in the attention!

4) Easter Eggs – Stumped at having nothing to say? Listen carefully for easter eggs as you talk. These are unusual words or phrases that she utters. Ask her to expound on it. Say “What’s the story behind that?” or “How do you feel about that?”. Women love to be probed for their opinions and their feelings.Gently bring out her emotions with sensitive open-ended questions.

5) Keep it Adrenaline Charged – Men talk facts: stock figures, bill payments, and boring engine specs. Women are different. They delight in FEELINGS TALK: how the new dress takes them to 7th heaven, how that special meal got them all giddy with ecstasy, how their shopping expedition drains their deepest problems away. Leverage this by steering away from facts talk. Pick out emotionally charged subjects and ask her how she especially relates to them. You’ll be her new confidant!

I know what you’re thinking. It’s all common sense! That’s true, but ask yourself this: how many of you actually practice this? Be honest.

Get out there and be the man women loves. Use your common sense!

In truth, patience is nothing more than time.

Time before we say something: Think of a time when someone was not patient with you when you needed them to be. Think of how you felt. Think of how deeply you might have been hurt. The next time you find yourself losing patience with another, take a moment to remind yourself of how you felt when someone had no patience with you.

Time before moaning and groaning: Patience takes time, but no more time than the showing of anger; of stomping or yelling or whining or complaining. A little patience can often resolve a conflict that a loss of patience will only escalate.

Time to just let things run their course: Arnold H. Glasow said, “The key to everything is patience. You get a chicken by hatching an egg, not by smashing it.” Some things require a certain amount of time. Losing patience only hurts ourselves and won’t speed up the process.

So take the time to smile instead of frown; the time to wink instead of snarl. How much time does it really take to give someone a small nod or a pat on the back? We never stop to think about how a little of our time can make such a big difference in how we make another feel.

Benjamin Franklin said, “He that can have patience can have what he will.”

The lack of patience is the key to so much unhappiness and grief in this world, when all it requires is a little time on our part. One of the simplest ways to build stronger relationships and bring more happiness into our lives is by becoming a little more patient. Showing someone patience is really giving to another that which we wish to receive, while a lack of patience is nothing more than a reflection of ourselves.

Even if you love her very much and you are getting pretty close, these things that can affect your relationship should be kept in secret. Sometimes you can best show her your love by keeping your mouth shout. So, before you start to be too confident and directly with her, you should take a look at these things that may destroy your relationship.

Never tell her she is getting fat

Even if this is true, you can’t tell her this. It will make her feel very bad, and will think that you don’t like her anymore. Think about how she would feel if you go there and say: ” honey, you could stand to lose a little weight ”. Let her decide when is the time to lose weight because she will do it without you hurting her. In most of the cases when a man told her girlfriend that she got fat, he gets dumped.

Don’t tell her how your mother would have done things

I know that for men their mothers always represent a model in life, but we have to admit that all the families are different. So, we have been raised by different kinds of parents and in different ways of life. Everyone is taught to do things in their ways and that’s why you can’t ask your girlfriend to do things or to live like your mother. A woman can have her views and opinions, and all you can do about this is to tell her stories about how you were raised and how things have been done in your family. You should adapt at this new way of life, without comparing her with your mom.

Don’t tell her that you like to visit your mom too often

Maybe in that moment you love your mother more that her, but you don’t have to show it. She may think that she is competing with your mom, or worst, that you are depending on mommy. It is not at all in your favor.

Don’t criticize her when she is trying to do her best

This is the worst thing you can do. If she sees that she is trying hard to do the things fine and you begin criticize her, she would feel disappointed that you don’t know to appreciate her for the fact that she is trying her best. So you should get over it, and offer you to help her in doing that job. Maybe next time she’ll be doing better.

Never tell her if your family doesn’t like her

Even if your family dislike her, it is better to not tell her because she will get angry and insecure. This will create future problems and tension between her and your family. All you can do is to let your family know that she is the one you have chosen and they have to respect your decision. Try to make them change their minds about her.

Don’t remind her about your ex in a special moment

Never ever compare your dating nights or things you do together with the ones you have done with your ex. It might happen to go with her in places where you have been with the other, but don’t remind her that. It is a hurtful thing for her to see that you are still thinking about the other.

Also, never compare her to your ex in bed. She will feel bad to find out that the other was better than she in bed. No woman likes to be compared to another, in any aspect.

Don’t recognize if you have done bad things in your past

If she doesn’t find out already, you better keep your mouth shout; it is in your favor. If you tell her that you have cheated your past girlfriends, for example, she will have a totally bad opinion about you, and also fell disappointed. So these things you shouldn’t divulge.

Never tell her that a football game is more important for you than her

Even if is an important game, don’t tell her to let you alone in that moment because you are busy and don’t have time for her. You better smile and pretend that you are listening to her too, and try to catch the key words. She might ask you what she was talking to you to test you.

Don’t tell her that you hate her friends

Because she knows her friends for a long time that she knows you, it is not a good idea to tell her that she doesn’t like her friends, or to say something bad about them. She may get angry about this, so you better pretend that you like them and everything is ok.

Don’t ask her to relax when she is very angry

When she is very upset, scared, or very angry the worst thing you can do is to ask her to relax. This will make her angrier because she will think that you don’t take her in serious. If you upset her by making some bad things, if you just say her to relax she will understand that you are denying that there is a reason to be upset.

Don’t tell her that you are insecure

In a relationship or dating woman is looking after a strong and confident man. So if you are insecure, or you are jealous on her because, for example, she has a better salary than yours, you have to keep this aspect just for yourself. She doesn’t have to know it if you want that things between you to go well.

Don’t declare your love during a fight

The words ‘‘I love you ‘‘mean a lot for a woman that’s why it should be said at the right moment. But most of guys say this during they have a fight with their partner, in the worst moment ever. When you are mistaking in front of her, and let’s say that you feel guilty, you want her to forgive you, so you declare your love for her. It is a wrong choice. She doesn’t believe a word in what you say because she considers that if you really loved her you wouldn’t upset her. You may say you love her but only after your fight is over.

Do not tell her that you like her girlfriend

Maybe one of her girlfriends is very beautiful and you would like to meet her first, but your actual partner shouldn’t find this. If you say her that her best friends looks very good, she will feel hurt, angry and will never trust you around her friends. So keep it secret and make sure to not be obvious from your attitude that you like staring at her girlfriend sometimes.

If you want to have a long and strong relationship you shouldn’t permit that some things you may say to destroy it. Don’t be completely honest about the things which should not be told.

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.

A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.

Everyone wants to be respected by others but not all of them get it. It’s important to first define who a respectable person is before giving respect to him.

First of all you have to keep in mind that in order to demand respect, you will have to treat others with equal amount of respect.

‘Respect’ is just a word, but what it means and what it distinguishes for us can make all the difference in how we observe ourselves and others — as well as how we relate to future possibilities and choices.

Many successful relationships have been built around different political or religious believes, but it all boils down to respect. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal, that the power and control in the relationship are equally share. In a relationship, respect means to listening each other, valuing each other’s
opinions, and also understanding the other’s emotions.

If you want to make you respectable by your girlfriend, here are some helpful tips which may use.

1. First of all it is very important to have self respect. Treat yourself with respect. If she sees that you don’t have any respect for yourself she might consider that she doesn’t have to show you either, because it is not important to you at all.

2. What you give is what you take. Show respect if you want to be respectable. Everyone wants to be admired and appreciated. If you show your girlfriend that she is important to you, you’ll be easily in their good graces. Be attentive, give compliments, and make her feel comfortable with you and content. Simply admire the person you are with and listen carefully when she talks. So, she’ll love to spend time with you.

3. Relax. Women think men are mediocre because they have a boring personality. So, when you have a date with her relax and have fun so she will feel great with you, because if she finds you boring you may get dumped. If you make her feel good she will respect you for the funny guy you are, being the person who can make her smile even when she is very sad.

4. Don’t lie. We all now that women don’t like to be lied to. If she had caught you with a lie she will definitely not have any more respect for you. But, if she sees that you are sincere to her all the time, she will be proud of you and will show more and more respect for you.

5. Be confident and polite. Look into her eyes when she talks to you and make her feel that you are a person who can trust in. Show her that she can talk with you about any subject or problem she has and can count on your help. Don’t forget to be polite, this will bring a reciprocal respect.

When you are in a relationship you must be treated with respect, which means your girlfriend must act like this:

- lets you feel comfortable being yourself

- is able to admit when she is wrong

- is willing to compromise

- respects your opinions, feelings and friends

- tries to resolve conflicts by talking honesty

- accepts when you’re saying no at things you don’t want to do

So, take a deep look at your relationship and watch out if your girlfriend is making all this things for you and if not you should try this tips to make her respect you.

So you’ve finally gone and done it. You proposed. And surprise…she actually said yes!

After you pick yourself off the floor from from sheer disbelief after her actually saying yes, you suddenly realize that a whole bunch of things have been set in motion. Your beloved is now in her own world, and she is in a planning frenzy. All you can do is look with slack-jawed amazement as your future wife talks to friends, picks flowers, reads countless books, and engages herself in the duties of being an engaged woman.

I know all about it. It’s happened to me twice. So besides staying out of the way (it is HER day after all, don’t forget that), what do YOU do as a future groom? Where do you begin? What’s the first step? What things in planning this wedding should the both of you do equally?

Let me share a few quick thought about that from a groom’s perspective. After all, even though this is a wedding for you both.

There’s not much we as guys really care about with weddings, except making the bride happy. Outside of that, we’re not really concerned with much else. I really didn’t care if the flowers were pink or green, and I didn’t have a “vibe” about who should shoot the pictures. But there are siome things, when it comes

One thing that I would suggest is that you nail down your tuxedo style. Do it quick, before your beloved gets her inset ideas about color and bridesmaid’s dresses. If you don’t, you’ll be finding a tux to match her style, not your own. At the very least, by choosing the tux first, she’ll have to consider your style. And you REALLY don’t want to wear a PINK cummerbund, do you?

Another thing: Get a GOOD ring. You’ll save money in the long run, I promise you. Wedding-Day-Planner.com has a wide selection of wedding rings in different sizes, styles and price ranges. I’ll say it again, GET A GOOD RING. There’s nothing worse that paying money for a ring, then having a diamond fall out because the setting wasn’t done right.

You’ll be out of that money, as feel like a idiot for flushing money down the drain. I’ll say it for the third time, because men and hard of hearing: GET A GOOD RING.

Accessorize for less. Yes, guys, there is more to this that renting a tux. Once again, I suggest Wedding-Day-Planner.com. They have tons of items, over 12,000 of them, from rings to ties to chocolates. They operate in conjunction with Amazon.com, so the service is great, and you can most stuff in 1-2 days. You can’t beat that, and it’s better than traveling from one wedding store to another. Shopping’s painful enough for us guys.

Check out the store, you’ll probably get some cool ideas that she’ll like.

And I’m not just the owner, I’m a client.

And one last thing, guys: relax. The hard part is over, you’ve asked the woman that makes your heart jump out of your chest to say yes to you, and she has. Sure, the preparation may drive you nuts at times, but remember, it’s HER day. And it’s all about making her happy. Because when Mama’s happy, everyone else is happy. Including you.

Welcome to marriage, guys. It’s really good, I promise. You don’t have to plan everything, that’s what she does. But when you have your say, it makes it clear that you’re in this with her. And that you’re in it for life. And that, it the end is all she really wants.

Relationships generally begin when both people are in the “Alone Stage,” although I am aware that often affairs begin when one or both partners are involved with someone else. It is my contention that relationships have a greater chance of success when both parties have spent some time alone and unconnected with a lover.

What does a person do with this time alone? If you are interested in creating the relationship you deserve, then you must become the best person you can be. Each successive relationship we engage in provides us with lessons and information we need to reflect upon. If we are attracting the “wrong” people into our lives, then perhaps it is because we are not the person we need to be in order to create a relationship with the person of our dreams.

This also means that each “wrong” person we attract into our lives is exactly the right person we need to teach us the lesson we need to get to move closer to the person we truly want. This is why I never look back at any relationships I have had with regret. Maybe not in the moment, but over time, I have come to understand that I learned valuable lessons in each of my past relationships and I grew, which then helped me become a better person.

Whenever we find ourselves in between relationships, it is not a time to longingly wish for the next partner to arrive. It is not the time to go out “prowling” for the next person to make you complete. The time between relationships is a very important healing time. It is a time to look back on the past relationship to discover what that person was there to teach you about life, love and yourself. It’s a time of introspection to determine who you want to be in a relationship. I’m not talking about playing roles but I am talking about a genuine transformation of yourself into the person who deserves the relationship you seek.

No one dreams their entire life about meeting a mediocre partner—someone who thinks of them sometimes, who loves them a little and takes care of some of their needs. No one looks to get involved in relationships with people who lie, cheat and disrespect them. No one asks for verbal or physical abuse in a relationship. So how can we break the pattern of choosing the same type of person over and over again? I believe the key is to look at each relationship as the perfect relationship you needed at that point in time and then go about attempting to figure out what it was about the person that made him or her perfect for you during that period in your life.

Once you figure this out, you will have learned a valuable lesson. If you take that lesson and put it to use in your life, then you have one half of the equation.

The other half is about preparing yourself to be the kind of person who will attract the relationship of your dreams. If you are seeking a person to be loyal and to stand by you no matter what, then ask yourself the difficult question of whether or not you have those same traits and characteristics you seek. If there is something in your character that has caused you to be disloyal, then do some introspection to learn what you need to heal in order to become the person you truly want to be.

Relationships only act as a mirror, showing us those things about ourselves we don’t want to see. When we welcome the information and seek to learn from it, doing so will move us closer in the direction of becoming who we want to be.

It also helps during this alone time to take an inventory of the traits, qualities and characteristics we want in our “perfect mate.” It is far more likely that we will attract the person we want when we become crystal clear about exactly what we are looking for. My list included having someone to love me for who I am, not in spite of who I am. I wanted a partner with loyalty, integrity, honesty, good looks, intelligence, a sense of humor, romance and availability (not involved with someone else). I wanted a man who was strong but gentle, decisive but sensitive and confident without being conceited. I wanted someone with whom I shared common interests and someone who didn’t feel the need to control me or compete with me. Guess what? After I was clear about what I was looking for, the “perfect” person for me walked into my life.

Another thing I find extremely helpful during the “Along Stage” is to remember that you are perfect just the way you are. You are totally complete without a significant person to share your life. So often, in the Along Stage, we are focusing on our lack, instead of our abundance. We look at the one thing we don’t have, a romance, and waste the time we have been given feeling sorry for ourselves instead of putting the gift of time to use for the betterment of mankind in our own unique way.

In conclusion I say, first allow yourself alone time. Don’t be in such a hurry to jump into the next relationship before processing the last one. Take time to analyze the lesson in your past relationship(s). Use the alone time to search introspectively to assess whether or not you are the person you need to be to allow the person you seek to come into your life. And finally, focus not on your lack of relationship, but rather on what you can do to help others during this time.

Used wisely, your alone time can truly make an incredible difference in the way you experience your next relationship. Don’t short change yourself. Maximize and leverage the time you have been given between relationships. It is truly a gift.